Confession of a Skinny Wannabe – Being Fat in Indonesia

I must confess, after I wrote about anorexia and bulimia in Indonesia because I’m watching Supersize vs Super skinny (season 1 to 6 right now), I have story about dieting regime that I’ve been doing and done.

I’m getting married this year, and since this January I was alarmed by my fiancée about I’m gaining weight lately (maybe since New Year I’ve been gaining some kilos/pounds/stones). I’m maintaining my health and body weight with restricting soda, junk food, chocolate, chips, and ice cream or any kind of heavy MSG snacks. When my fiancée said if I keep gaining weight, I might not fit into my wedding dress, its scares me very much. For many girls big day, I believe they want to be look like the Queen of the day instead of being big whale for the rest of her life, so do I.

Actually I must confess, I have up and down situation with eating disorder (ED), it might be only on my mind because I use to be obese.

Since toddler I was very big, my weight is above the average, my eating habit is uncontrolled, and nobody really cares about how big I am.  Even in my 14^th I don’t even cares about boys, usually in that age you might be in swing mood on to those boys right? There’s must be one or two handsome and cool upper classmate or your classmate which you like. That’s make teen girls are aware about body images and appearances.

I was lacked of awareness about keeping my body images in good and healthy weight, it’s continued to High School. My height is 5.2 ft (158.5 cm) is a bit above average South East Asian woman, and I used to weigh 143.3 lbs (65 kg or 10.2 stones). It’s downright obese, I was looked very chubby, and my arm was same size as one of the girl’s leg in my class.

If you find it weird, well, in South East Asia, which we’re having smaller body frame and smaller BMI, having weight over 132.3 lbs (60kg) is considered as heavy/big/obese for women especially. The preferable maximum weight for women in South East Asia is about 110 lbs (50kg/7.8 stone), because the average height is 5 ft (155 cm). The weight around 110-121 lbs (50-55 kg) is considered as curvy chubby body, so above that you’ll be called fatty, pig, or worse  is being called elephant.

The very awkward moment is my first time dated a boy in my class, and I was unconsciously dropped 11 lbs (5 kg). After I broke up with him, my weight is dropped again from 132.3 (58kg) to 119 lbs (54kg/8.5 stones), and again it’s unconsciously done, so I didn’t even thought about diet. At that time I realized that I didn’t drink soda and no snacking, I ate half portion without consciously know about it. So the total I lost was 24.3 lbs (11 kg/almost 2 stones).

One of my friends was acknowledged my weight lost, and asked me how, but I didn’t get it either at that time. After I realized my weight lost I think that time I’m aware about going to diet, but I never reached below 119 lbs. It’s been up and down yoyo dieting and the weight is between 119-132 lbs, urgh... I was even on extreme fitness routine for 3 months but nothing really changed my weight even I had toner abs and thinner waist though.

In back years of my activity in university, having skinny and beautiful friends, and unhealthy relationship with my last ex-boyfriend, made me being extreme on diet too. My friend once told me, my meal was really freaky, ridiculous, and very little. I’ve had 3-4 times a week focusing on 2 hours in aerobic session, only eat small portion and always counting calories intake. Sadly, yea… I’ve binged and purged phase, also abusing laxatives and diet pills when I think I needed it.

I don’t remember much about that depressing time, but I do remember my first time I weigh 111 lbs (50.5 kg/7.9 stones) aaaannd…. My first collapsed. It’s true I’ve blacked out, bumped my back head, and don’t know why I was collapsed. I don’t remember if at that time I wasn’t ate anything or ate everything, maybe depression was eaten my weight.

After a year, with balance life time, I’m gaining weight again back to 119 lbs, having new boyfriend (now he is my fiancée.), and job’s good. Everything is good actually… But the past sometime bulking up upon me about weight, whenever I feel over eating, I’ll drink laxatives to suppressed my guilt from over eating.

Somewhat getting married things made me felt ugly and so bloated... It’s almost April, around that month I’ve scheduled our pre-wedding video and photos. Oh yeah, it’s very common in South East Asia to have pre-wedding video and photos, even these are become a tradition for couple to do before married.  The video is one in a life time, and gonna be show off in wedding reception where people we’re invited will be going to watch it. Don’t you want to look gorgeous in your own pre-wedding video? YES!! I desperately want it to be memorable and definitely don’t want it going to be regrettable.

Right now I want to go back to 111 lbs or better to go less than that, but I can’t do it with healthy diet or maybe I can but don’t know how to. I’m keeping at 1000 calories intake a day and training my abs, thighs, and back arms (thighs and back arms need to be tone up because the effects of obesity).

My body measurements are not normal. My bust is wider than my hips, what’s with that??  It’s only 4 cm differences but still not normal to me… In US I’ll be size 6-8 (depend on the clothing brands), in Devil Wears Prada its fatty size!

I need to lose weight and tone my body immediately… Wish me luck! The target is 111lbs before April!